What if the 64 Worst Countries had a World Cup?

The World Cup is supposed to be where we see the best of the best. Elite footballers from across the world, all competing to see who comes out on top. In theory, it should be the highest standard of football you can get. Score for your country at a World Cup and you’re basically etched into football immortality forever.

But what about the players who are born in countries that never get anywhere near it?

There must be some genuinely good footballers out there who never get their big international tournament moment because they happen to come from a tiny island, a microstate, or a country where half the squad probably has another job.

So I flipped the World Cup on its head.

Instead of the best 64 nations, I’ve found a World Cup for the 64 worst countries according to the FIFA rankings. From Ethiopia, the highest-ranked team involved, all the way down to San Marino, this is a tournament to find out who really is the best of the worst.

Modern football can be so rigid, structured and predictable. I’m not convinced Tahiti are spending weeks drilling a compact mid-block. I’m hoping the goals flow, the defending collapses and at least one nation with a population smaller than a Premier League stadium accidentally goes on a deep run.

So, let’s get into what happened. 

(Their world ranking in brackets)

 

The teams involved

 

Ethiopia (144th)
Singapore (147th)
Lithuania (148th)
Yemen (149th)
Guyana (150th)
New Caledonia (151st)
St Kitts & Nevis (152nd)
Solomon Islands (153rd)
Fiji (154th)
Hong Kong (155th)
Puerto Rico (156th)
Tahiti (157th)
Myanmar (158th)
Moldova (159th)
Vanuatu (160th)
Malta (161st)
Antigua & Barbuda (162nd)
Grenada (163rd)
Cuba (164th)
Eswatini (165th)
Bermuda (166th)
St Lucia (167th)
Papua New Guinea (168th)
Afghanistan (169th)
South Sudan (170th)
St Vincent (171st)
Maldives (172nd)
Andorra (173rd)
Chinese Taipei (174th)
Montserrat (175th)
Nepal (176th)
Cambodia (177th)
Mauritius (178th)
Barbados (179th)
Belize (180th)
Bangladesh (181st)
Dominica (182nd)
Chad (183rd)
Laos (185th)
Bhutan (186th)
Cook Islands (188th)
Aruba (189th)
Samoa (190th)
Sri Lanka (191st)
American Samoa (192nd)
Brunei (193rd)
Macau (194th)
Cayman Islands (195th)
São Tomé & Príncipe (196th)
Djibouti (197th)
Somalia (198th)
Tonga (199th)
East Timor (200th)
Guam (201st)
Pakistan (202nd)
Gibraltar (203rd)
Seychelles (204th)
Turks & Caicos Islands (205th)
Liechtenstein (206th)
Bahamas (207th)
British Virgin Islands (208th)
US Virgin Islands (209th)
Anguilla (210th)
San Marino (211th)

Based on the rankings, Ethiopia probably should have been the favourites, with Singapore and Lithuania right behind them. 

 

The group stages

The teams who got the full nine points were Bermuda (166th), Antigua & Barbuda (162nd), Puerto Rico (156th), Montserrat (175th), Chad (183rd), Malta (161st), Eswatini (165th), São Tomé & Príncipe (196th), Gibraltar (203rd), Aruba (189th), Barbados (179th), Ethiopia (144th) and St Kitts & Nevis (152nd).

 

That gives you a pretty good idea of the level we’re operating at here. Ethiopia doing well makes sense. St Kitts & Nevis doing well also makes sense. But then you’ve got Aruba and Gibraltar winning all three group games despite being ranked 189th and 203rd. That is the beauty of the Minor World Cup.

At the other end, things were bleak for Guam (201st), Turks & Caicos Islands (205th), Cook Islands (188th), Bhutan (186th), Bahamas (207th), US Virgin Islands (209th), American Samoa (192nd), Tonga (199th), Nepal (176th), San Marino (211th) and Brunei (193rd). San Marino being awful is not exactly breaking news but I still wanted them to at least pick up a point for the narrative and because I have a soft spot for them. They did not.

Brunei had the worst record of the lot, losing 4-0, 4-1 and 3-0. They are ranked 193rd in the world, which means there were somehow 18 teams in this tournament ranked below them.

 

First knockout round

This is where the tournament properly started to get ridiculous.

Bermuda (166th), who had looked like one of the early favourites, casually slapped Aruba (189th) 3-0. Malta (161st) produced the biggest statement result with a 4-0 win over Cuba (164th), which should have been a lot closer on paper than it was.

Lithuania (148th) just about survived with a very professional 1-0 win over Ethiopia (144th), the highest-ranked team in the entire tournament. That felt like a massive early final. Ethiopia had the ranking advantage, but Lithuania came through it quietly and efficiently. 

Guyana (150th) beat Macau (194th) 2-0, which is pretty much what should happen. Dominica (182nd) edged past Anguilla (210th), Yemen (149th) knocked out Djibouti (197th), and Grenada (163rd) absolutely battered Chad (183rd) 4-1.

That was the biggest shock of the round. Chad had won every group game and looked like they might be one of those teams who massively overperform in a tournament like this. Instead, they got launched out of it immediately.

South Sudan (170th) continued their run with a 3-1 win over Gibraltar (203rd), ending the dream for one of the lowest-ranked sides left. Moldova (159th) comfortably beat Andorra (173rd) and Montserrat (175th) did the same to Seychelles (204th).

Puerto Rico (156th) scraped through 1-0 against St Vincent (171st), Antigua & Barbuda (162nd) beat Somalia (198th) 3-1, Vanuatu (160th) knocked out Eswatini (165th), and St Kitts & Nevis (152nd) needed extra time to beat São Tomé & Príncipe (196th).

We also got our first proper penalty drama. Papua New Guinea (168th) beat Barbados (179th) after a 0-0, while Singapore (147th) did the same to Hong Kong (155th) after a 1-1.

Overall, the bigger names mostly survived. But Chad going out 4-1 after a perfect group stage is exactly why this tournament is incredibly entertaining.

 

Round of 16

The Round of 16 is where a few of the proper contenders started to separate themselves.

Montserrat (175th) made a huge statement by beating Vanuatu (160th) 3-0. That was a serious result, because Vanuatu had looked like one of the stronger sides up to that point.

Guyana (150th) edged past Singapore (147th) 2-1. That was a proper heavyweight clash by the standards of this tournament.

Bermuda (166th) kept rolling with a clean 2-0 win over Papua New Guinea (168th), while Moldova (159th) looked competent again by beating Grenada (163rd) 2-0.

Dominica (182nd) continued their weird little run by knocking out Puerto Rico (156th), which was one of the bigger surprises of the round.

St Kitts & Nevis (152nd) also kept going, beating Yemen (149th) 1-0. At this point, St Kitts & Nevis were starting to look like a genuine tournament threat, which is not a sentence I expected to write.

Lithuania (148th) handled Antigua & Barbuda (162nd) with very little fuss, while Malta (161st) came through a tight one against South Sudan (170th), winning 2-1.

So we were left with Montserrat, Guyana, Bermuda, Moldova, Dominica, St Kitts & Nevis, Lithuania and Malta. A quarter-final lineup that would make FIFA consider shutting the whole sport down.

 

Quarter-finals

The quarter-finals were probably the best round so far.

Lithuania (148th) beat Guyana (150th) 4-3, which feels about right for a tournament with this level of defensive organisation. On paper, this was one of the strongest possible ties. In normal football terms, Lithuania vs Guyana is not exactly Brazil vs Argentina. In Minor World Cup terms, it was basically a Champions League semi-final.

Moldova (159th) also came through a thriller, beating St Kitts & Nevis (152nd) 3-2. That ended the run of one of the most convincing teams in the tournament. 

Bermuda (166th) kept their status as one of the tournament’s big dogs with a comfortable 2-0 win over Dominica (182nd). Dominica had done brilliantly to get that far.

Malta (161st) absolutely flattened Montserrat (175th) 3-0. That was a proper statement, because Montserrat had just beaten Vanuatu 3-0 and looked like they might be about to do something impressive. Instead, Malta shut it down immediately.

So after all the madness, the semi-finals were actually pretty strong. Moldova, Bermuda, Lithuania and Malta. I’m not saying FIFA should be worried, but this was starting to look dangerously like a semi-pro football tournament.

 

Semi-finals

The semi-finals gave us exactly the final this tournament probably deserved.

Malta (161st) edged past Moldova (159th) in a proper scrap. Moldova’s weirdly impressive run finally came to an end one game short of the final. They had been one of the more convincing teams throughout the knockouts, but Malta just had a bit too much for them when it mattered.

On the other side, Lithuania (148th) did what Lithuania were supposed to do from the start. They quietly, efficiently and slightly boringly won a football match. A 1-0 win over Bermuda (166th). Doesn’t sound spectacular but knocking out one of the tournament’s most dangerous sides with a clean sheet is exactly why they came in as one of the favourites.

Bermuda had been excellent. They beat Aruba 3-0, Papua New Guinea 2-0 and Dominica 2-0 before finally running into Lithuania. That is a very respectable run for a team ranked below Malta, Moldova, Vanuatu and Puerto Rico.

So after 64 of the worst-ranked countries in the world battled it out, we somehow ended up with a very respectable final. Lithuania vs Malta! 

Lithuania were ranked 148th. Malta were ranked 161st. That meant the final had a clear favourite but not a complete mismatch. I am seriously invested by this point.

 

Final

And then, after all that, Lithuania decided the final was not the time for romance.

Malta had battled through Moldova, smashed Montserrat and looked like they might make this a proper contest, but Lithuania absolutely wiped the floor with them. A 5-0 win in any World Cup final is ridiculous.

Malta did have a man sent off after 43 minutes, which obviously changed the game, but Lithuania were already better before that. They finished with 61% possession, 23 shots and 2.62 xG, which is honestly far too professional for the spirit of this tournament.

So in the end,one of  the favourites actually won. Not Ethiopia, despite being the highest-ranked team in the tournament. Not Singapore, despite being ranked 147th. Lithuania, ranked 148th in the world, are officially the best of the worst.

 

Best team and player performances

The stats back up how weirdly serious this tournament became by the end. Malta scored the most goals with 20, which makes their 5-0 collapse in the final even funnier. Individually, Irvin Cardona was the standout. He finished with the highest average rating at 8.21, scored nine goals and won Player of the Match five times. Cardona was born was born in France but represents Malta internationally, which explains why Malta suddenly had a player who looked far too good for this competition. Gvidas Gineitis, Lithuania’s Torino midfielder, also had a brilliant tournament with 35 shots and 33 key passes, giving Lithuania a proper top-level player in midfield. Ajani Burchall, the Bermudian winger, topped the assist chart with four, while Bermuda goalkeeper Dale Eve finished with seven clean sheets. Jodi Jones, who was born in England but plays for Malta, led the tournament for tackles won by a player, and Moldova’s Vadim Rață completed the most dribbles with 26. In short, Lithuania won the trophy, whilst Malta had the tournament’s biggest individual star.

 

Check out our World Cup section for more World Cup hypotheticals.